In March of this year I began to pursue procuring an annulment - turns out he was still married to a woman in Portland, OR. Funny thing is, we met about 1999-2000; thought we would grow old together, thought this was the real thing, I know I loved and honored him with all of my heart. He had a few quirks, but then don't we all. We settled down in Phoenix, endured the hot summers which make cuddling totally impossible, and loved the winters when we could sit out back in November, in shorts and a t-shirt, and grill up some veggies on the Barbie. On May 11, 2006 we Married - no big deal, went to the Justice of the Peace in Surprise, and in front of a handful of friends, we exchanged vows.
According to the documents I found in the file cabinet after he left, he received his divorce decree from his wife in Portland, Or on May 11, 2009. He had sworn to me that his divorce was already final before I agreed to marry him - I trusted his word, didn't demand to see any paperwork - I TRUSTED him.
Lack of integrity is a concern that I take very seriously. My life is about truth, honesty and Sincerity. Kindness, gratefulness and generosity are words that frequently cross my lips and my mind. I believe that two adult people can have a primary committed relationship without smothering each other. It is about being honest with each other, and non-judgmental. It is about being open minded, and realizing that three committed working people are going to be a lot more productive than two committed working people. There is usually someone available to cuddle, or to talk with - as long as all three, or four people are compatible and willing to work together to work out the kinks in an adult, logical and loving way. He was the creative sort, a musician, and a very good one at that. Women would be hanging all over the edges of the stage, practically throwing their panties at him after a gig. He knew that he could bring any one of them home, and we would play. Of course, many of the women would get all put out and demand to be "The Number One Woman" and "I just CAN'T Share!" The society in American culture - especially the right-wing, religious society has women so messed up in the head that most American Women would never tolerate an open relationship, or a poly-amorous relationship. They just don't know what they are missing.
It was his continued addiction to the BDSM lifestyle that really began to tear us apart. OK, I have to admit I did my share of BDSM Scenes as the Domme - I loved dressing up and scenes were intense but safe. Many of our social friends and social functions revolved around the lifestyle.
Last year when he went to visit his Teacher in San Fransisco, Baba said "BDSM is not a lifestyle that is compatible with the teachings." He was actually referring to another Baba that he knows and did not even know that his student, my husband was so firmly entrenched in the lifestyle. I took his words to heart - I told my husband that I was finished playing, that if he knew what was good for him he would, as well, heed Baba's words. He wasn't hearing any of it. Our social life began to deteriorate, and our social functions became further and fewer between. He blamed it on me.
He began traveling to San Diego under the guise of going to play his trumpet with his friend, but in reality, he was establishing a relationship with a "submissive", married woman from Los Angeles. Her husband was well off, she drove and Escalade, and she "Loved Him"! In early December 2009, he came back from a trip to San Diego, and announced that he was moving to California for good, but that when he could afford it, he would come back to Phoenix to visit.
On December 17th, I got proof that he was planning to move in with the woman in CA. I told him he had to leave and could not come back, or call, or contact me in any way. He has been good to his word. I have not heard a single peep from him since that day. Not an email, not a phone call, not a word. Of course, this has made getting the annulment much more difficult.
The process of filing for a annulment without the presence of the other party requires long waiting periods in case the other party finally decides to show up. I have been consistently working on it since March 2010. The process has taken more than 120 days by its very own design; after 120 days, the court dismisses the case because a court date has not yet been set. They claim that the case is not progressing, even though they could take a look at the case file and see that there has been constant communication, and prompt filing of forms in the correct time frames. The government bureaucracy in the Arizona Court system SUCKS!
I am pretty sure I am better off without him; many of my girlfriends let me know, after he was gone, that they thought he was too controlling. I guess I was in the middle of it and just couldn't see it objectively. I miss him, but my aim is improving!
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